The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Confused owl: What?!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?