[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
our love story in four pictures
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.