The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry