The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories