THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.