The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Cucumbers Anonymous
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.