The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.