The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Hot Hot Hot
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Those are good neighbors.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.