Ken is short for chicken
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“what that mouth do?” complain
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
let’s discuss
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.