@NicestHippo: The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"
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@iLikeCatShirts: Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.
@SherBoBer: Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU