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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
What is going on? 😅