@UNTRESOR: The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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@TheGoodGodAbove: Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.
@arandomhim: I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt
@TheTweetOfGod: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man's endeavors.
@LADaddy: [At the stress test, staring at a treadmill] Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally. *sits down on a chair* Me: Okay.