@FREE_FACTS: The iPhone 5 will be able to print bacon
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@panmidwest: DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text DOG FRIEND: which color heart? DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one DOG FRIEND: omg
@Donna_McCoy: There's nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don't like them.
@TheBananaFacts: Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don't have mouths....but because they respect the choices you make.
@LuvPug: *at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?