Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Become ungovernable.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.