The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!