Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*