Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Said the murderer.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
#titanic
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up