@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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@HatfieldAnne: How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@tweetofclay: That's so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
@prodigalsam: Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."