The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.