The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Home is where your toilet is.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”