The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
that wasn’t the question
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Pickled cat.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired