The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
guys I’m going home
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.