The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance