The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
That’s what I call a flat tire
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.