I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
#damn
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Buying a well is money well spent.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?