@JohnPoveromo: The iWatch is awesome because it's the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
@iwearaonesie: toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table* me: What are you making? toddler: Noise
@Ygrene: The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
@thepunningman: "As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is... Linda, where is everyone?" "They all called to say they're running late"