I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
kevin is now a local weatherman
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested