@extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
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@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."
@gwatts77: If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
@SuperRandomish: Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.