The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Still my favorite headline of all time:
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.