The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.