@Cryptoterra: The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
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@ThisOneSayz: No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler.
@iwearaonesie: wife's facebook post: so proud of 8, he's trying so hard in school! mama loves you! wife's text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
@Home_Halfway: [God inventing iguanas] Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren't
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)