The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
You Might Also Like
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Spotted in New Orleans.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
me after drinking all the wine:
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.