@Cryptoterra: The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
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@HairyJew4Life: Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
@DainWins: Life hack: McDonald's will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
@NervousJr: Told my mom "The D" stood for donuts, and now she won't stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."