Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Scream sneezers need love too.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.