Don’t talk down to me
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
What kind of a cult is this?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog