The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings