So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
me hitting on a model
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My background check bounced.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
this is the best interaction on twitter
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold