If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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LOL!
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?