@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
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@heidi420x: I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
@CourtneyBale: [dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
@donni: Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes