@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
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@aka_fatman: "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"
@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
@TuffyNyC: I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!