Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Oh my God.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”