[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]