the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people