The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.