@SondraDeeMe: I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@SamGrittner: I'm surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn't incorporated into more American Holidays.

@dafloydsta: [phone call] KIDNAPPER: We're gonna kill your wife if you don't pay ME: *making wind noises* I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

@krisv_723: *Friend hands me their baby. I whisper* The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice. And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

@causticbob: A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP."