People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.