The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.