@Rollinintheseat: The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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@Parentpains: If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
@margolundy: Life dull? Add 'or die trying' to every statement. "I'm gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING." Instant excitement.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids. Wife: The same four kids? Me: I'll be right back.
@jwoodham: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don't act innocent, I know you download music illegally.