The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Canadian owl: Eh?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
im all 3
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.