The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.