The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?