@BeingDBEAST: The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil...
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@internetluke: [friend consoling me through bad break up] "You need to eat, Luke. You can't just sit there" *i start crying more* Karen & I used to eat
@HockeyTornado: I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
@scubavelli: "Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
@mattZillaaaa: I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined