The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
You Might Also Like
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…