The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
two people or more is called a problem
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.