The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Social distancing in Australia:
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.