I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Is this you?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.