Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Actually cracking up @ this
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”