The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….