The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
early stone age tool
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.