3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
See..?
.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.