THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey