@notittryagain: The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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@TheAlexNevil: *job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.
@rocknthepurple: I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
@FrenulumBreve: Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix? God: It's an idea I have for a public holiday. TJ: Huh? G: It's complicated.
@SincerelyMen: If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter