The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Livid.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.