@notittryagain: The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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@jonnysun: ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!! ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@TheToddWilliams: I know it's International Women's Day but I'd like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
@WillHinsa: My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.