The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me refusing to leave twitter
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are